Now I have told you how I found out I want to expand on why I feel the need to air my feelings to complete strangers.
In one way it is for myself, putting virtual pen to virtual paper somehow puts closure on these feelings, writing in past tense puts them firmly in the past. I may not be lucky enough to have anyone cast their eyes over my deepest, darkest thoughts but by writing them in a way that explains to a third party it makes me feel like I am talking directly to someone and that helps me.
When I was at my lowest point, I didn’t know where to turn, I couldn’t be honest to my partner, she was already scared that I would run off, that was neveran option. I couldn’t be honest with my family, as much as they didn’t say it I could clearly see in their eyes that a new offspring was the most exciting thing to them.
So who could I turn to? Counselling? I never saw the point as they couldn’t change the outcome, I knew no one could do that, I just needed to be able to relate to someone else who felt the same and they were hard to find. In fact, even after this has all happened it is difficult to speak to anyone who didn’t want kids at some point in their life.
Even the people who had unwanted pregnancies all admitted that they wanted children at some point so the only accident was that it happened earlier than expected for them.
But I am part of a very small minority, I just didn’t want children in my life and suddenly that control had been taken away. I searched forums for help to see if there were a sympathetic pair of ears anywhere but I found list upon list of help for nervous mothers but nothing for fathers. This is the main reason I have started this. I appreciate that every persons situation will be different but if one scared dad-to-be reads any of this and feels slightly less isolated that I have achieved something.
If you always wanted kids then I’m sure that none of this will make sense to you and I sincerely hope you don’t judge me too harshly, but if you didn’t and it’s happening anyway, then I’ve been there and hopefully through my experiences I can help you feel a little bit better.