Anyone that knows me will know that I am terrible with a secret. It’s not that I can’t be trusted with anyone else’s secrets, you could tell me anything and I will guard it with my life and take it to my grave! But my own secrets, that’s a different matter! I have been known to tell my partner what I have bought her for Christmas because I’m so excited about the surprise I had got her! I suppose this is another example of my childish streak that I’ve always had.
So what were the chances that I was going to let slip this life changing news to the world? If you are a gambling man I believe this is known as a dead cert.
Apart from my own Mum, who I needed to tell and have a good cry with, I didn’t intend on telling anyone until the first scan, as seems to be the done thing. This intention lasted about 48 hours! And I have to say I didn’t go out for the first twenty four so they don’t even count.
Getting back to some seriousness I was very low at this point, I phoned work and came up with some story about being ill and intended to stay in bed feeling sorry for myself. I work in a small, intimate team and knew I couldn’t face them when I was feeling like this.
I should explain that I rarely get low, we all have off days but I am generally an eternal optimist. My philosophy has also been that things will be the same whether I smile my way through it or frown my way through but the frown won’t remedy the problems, they will still be there, but if I’m smile I may just feel a little bit better. But this time, I couldn’t smile, as far as I was concerned, and I genuinely meant this, my life was over. In fact, it was worst than that, it wasn’t over, but it was a life that I would never be happy with.
My partner could tell how bad I was and also took the opportunity for a sick day despite my protests. She climbed back into bed with me to discuss and plan what we were to do, we stayed there for hours, sometimes crying, sometimes even laughing but mostly partaking in very serious discussion about how we couldn’t be less prepared for this and planning a military style campaign to get ourself sorted.
We looked at all options and as much as I knew the answer before I even asked I had to bring up the subject of not keeping it. She told me what I already knew that she could never live with herself if she took that route and I also knew that if I put her in that position and pushed the point that I would lose her and that was never an option. At that point she seemed to be the only good thing I had to hold on to.
I have spent many a night since wondering whether I really would have wanted to go down that road and if I’m honest with myself I don’t think I could have done it, but at that point I found myself resenting her for taking the option away from me. I was losing control of my own destiny! And there was the problem, control, I no longer had any and this was, and to a degree still is, the hardest part of everything that has happened. Up to this point every decision I had made since my teenage life had been mostly my own and I took and lived with the consequences, but now the choices were not mine and yet, I still had to live with the consequences.
If anyone is reading this and feels a loathing for me even considering a termination I will point out that every day my boy has been in my life I realise how lucky I am that that choice was taken away from me. Even in the lonely a.m. hours when he refuses to sleep and desperation starts to set in and i feel those same isolated feelings and a mourning for my old life, it still has never entered my mind that I should have convinced her, it was simply a desperate conversation from a desperate man.
I went to work the following day and blabbed to everyone there within minutes, I had to, when one of the team has the weight of the world on their shoulders it affects everyone as we work in close quarters and my earnings depend on them being motivated, money was now more important than ever. There was no way I could hide it from them and besides, I had an extra mouth to feed!
I really wasn’t ready for peoples reaction when I told told them, something that became a bit if a pattern if I’m honest and I will go into that in another blog.
Have to call it a night now, thanks for listening, I do hope that someone is getting something from my ramblings and I look forward to sharing more over the next few weeks.
If you are feeling the same I can only say again, stay strong, it really does get better. Feel free to contact me if you have no where to turn, the feeling of isolation was what scared me the most so if I can help I will. I am on Twitter under the same name.