Keeping Mum

So far in these posts I haven’t made much reference to the woman that holds my heart, the mother of my child and it is time to rectify this by explaining a little bit about her. After all, whenever I tell people I didn’t want children their first question is usually ‘what about your partner?” So how does someone end up having a baby with someone that held such a deeply set aversion to becoming a father.

I said in a previous post that it is the anonymity of this blog that has allowed me to be as honest as I have been, the instant that someone who knows me casts their eyes over my most personal thoughts, will be the moment I have to stop. I use this blog as a way of expressing my inner most fears and have no intention of upsetting anyone. The honesty has been liberating as I have not been able to be this free with my concerns with anyone else without fear of being judged.

So, I should explain that she knows that I write a blog, she knows that I use twitter to reach like minded people and she knows the subject and the reasons I feel the need to write. She is also fine with it, in fact she is more than fine, she supports it, she has already remarked on a difference in me in the last week or so and can see the benefits of me gaining therapy thru twitter, it’s a lot cheaper than the therapy via Jack Daniels that I first chose!

However she will NEVER see these posts. She doesn’t know my user names for Twitter or WordPress and she doesn’t even know the email address that I use to make these accounts useable.

I have read extracts to her so she knows the theme or direction of which my posts are taking and, to be honest, she knows a lot of what went on in my head anyway. But there is so much that she doesn’t know, that she can’t know, otherwise we will have no relationship to go back on.

This post holds some of those thoughts.

A bit of background first then.

We met via work over ten years ago, she joined the company that I already worked for. There was no instant spark as she is 12 years younger than me so the thought of a relationship, short or long term, never entered either of our thoughts. The office that we both worked at was very sociable and mainly made up with single people so very often the working day was wrapped up in the pub to let our hair down. After a few months of these visits, and many a drunken conversation, we were getting on well and one night ended up drunk and slept together, not exactly Mills and Boon material I know.

We both believed it wouldn’t go any further than that, because of the age difference we both thought the other had just made an error of judgement and went back to being friends. This didn’t last very long as we slowly realised that we both actually liked each other so we decided to give it a go. I’m so glad we did, I found my soul mate and the best thing that has ever happened to me.

That was ten years ago and we are still going strong. She has always been very mature and I’m quite immature so we meet somewhere in the middle. Even after 10 years we were still very much in the glow of a new relationship and I could never see myself being with anyone else.

Now you know the soppy details. You are possibly wondering if this was all this post was about, did I just come on here to declare my undying love?

No. The reason I have posted about her is that our relationship changed with the pregnancy. I’m sure everyone’s does, after all we are parents now not just a couple. The problem is that every time I try and be clear headed and logical, telling myself that this is normal, I counter my own argument with ” and this is why you didn’t want kids!” and it’s hard to stop myself.

The difference here is that I find myself resenting her for this situation.

Let me be a bit clearer, I’m not walking around every minute of the day seething with some pent up anger about her, if that was the case I would walk away from her, no one could live like that. But in the early hours of the morning, when the baby is crying and we can’t work out which of the many reasons it is, I have had little sleep and the frustration starts to rise it is her that my bad feelings are directed at.

Even as I type this I can feel some of your eyes burning through the screen trying to get hold of me and throttle me. I do know that it takes two to make a baby and mistakes happen but, you see, in this situation I do blame her.

She was using the contraceptive pill and when, for whatever reason, that wasn’t used we used condoms so the odds of getting pregnant were minimal. Now in the past if she had been sick, which I understand reduces the effectiveness of the pill, she would let me know and we would take extra precautions.

Back in January she had been sick a few times but this time decided to not tell me, thinking it was nothing, thinking it would ok as their had been no issues before, so when we then had sex I was totally unaware that there was anything more than the usual risk of contraception failing and this is where the resentment starts.

In a previous post I mention that ‘control’ was a big factor in the reason I feel the way I do now, I had no say in whether we kept the baby or not, and it now turns out, no say in whether we took the risk in the first place. If she had told me and I had let passion take over and said sod the consequences then the responsibility would be mine too but that didn’t happen and I keep coming back to it time and time again.

The one thing I am certain of is that this was an accident, I passionately defend that she is not the sort to do this on purpose to get her way, as I’ve said before she wasn’t that worried about kids herself. Firstly, I think she would have done it a lot sooner if that were her intention and secondly, and most importantly, she just isn’t like that. Many of her actions, and there are too many to put in this post, have confirmed it to me since. You may be reading this thinking ‘you mug, can’t you see it?’ And that’s fine as I am the only one who knows her this well and was there through the whole thing so I am the only one who can really be sure.

But this is where it has left me, I’m with someone I love wholeheartedly and it has never been an option to leave, but as hard as I try, when my defences are down from sleep deprivation, I feel that resentment starting to creep back and I can only hope that with time I learn to see past this rather than it eat away at the relationship.

Baby has been ill this week, well he has been ill for 4 of the 6 weeks he has been with us, and this puts an extra strain on our time but we are doing ok at the moment. She understands that I have to go to work so I sleep in the spare room to make sure I am as refreshed as possible and then when I’m have time off of work I try to give her as much time off to recharge.

Only time will tell exactly the outcome but I am positive about the future as I type this. She is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and that is always going to mean challenging compromises, but the challenge just got harder.

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