Well my posts have bought us up to now. You’ve had all my worries and fears and now it’s time to face the reality of being a Dad
My little boy is now 6 weeks old and completely running my life. The poor little sod has been ill for 4 and a half weeks of this time, nothing serious, just colds and cough but this then turned in acute bronchiolitis and that is horrible to watch. It makes his breathing very loud and he can sometimes struggle to breath at all which makes sleeping fitful at best. Even as I type this he is getting better and hopefully will be fully recovered in the next few days. We are pleased to say that despite these frustrations he still manages a smile every so often for us and is an alert healthy baby, for which I thank my lucky stars everyday. If he is this happy when he is ill, then we can’t wait to see what he is like when he feels better.
Predictably, I have been asked every day since he was born if I’m glad I did it, is it as I thought and would you be without him now?
The last question always makes me chuckle, do people really think I could be that blunt and honest to their faces and say “actually I would rather someone take him for adoption”! I might try it just for a reaction and see what happens, I’m pretty sure there are plenty of family members that would never speak to me again if I did. It’s just one of those questions that I don’t know why it gets asked as the answer will always be the polite option.
The truth is no, I couldn’t be without him now, a fact that he likes to check every now and then by making sure I can’t hear him breath, in that split second I realise what he means to me. Admittedly afterwards there are a few names mumbled under my breath but they are all said with affection, I promise.
Am I glad I did it? I’m not sure I am, but it’s very early days and the bond grows stronger with every moment that passes so ask me again in six months and I’m sure I will have a clearer view. If someone offered me a time machine to go back a year and prevent it happening again I’d be tempted but only because I would not have been aware of him in the first place. I hope that makes sense. But he is here, I am aware of him, I love him and there is no going back.
Is parenthood what I thought it would be? Yes it is EXACTLY what I thought it would be, jealous grandparents, sleepless nights, tears (his and mine), strain on my relationship with my partner, financially draining, worry about his health and future, every single person butting their nose into how we bring up our child and losing our identity, we have become his parents and this is the only thing people talk to us about now, I’m hoping this last one dies off.
So yeah, it’s what I thought, I had no illusions of parenthood being anything else. But there are little strands of light that are slowly coming through that make me believe this will all have a happy ending.
It’s tough though, I’ve said in previous posts that resentment sets in when I’m least expecting it and sleep deprivation is tougher than I could have ever imagined but this is starting to be balanced up by the small things, the way he stares at me and studies me, the small smiles that I am getting when I pop my head into his Moses basket and the early 5am cuddles where I let him sleep on me so that mum gets a well earned break.
When people told me I would be fine and everything will be ok, they were wrong, this situation could never be fine and ok to me, it was always going to be a massive adjustment for me. But the difference is that I am beginning to make that adjustment whereas before I didn’t believe it was possible.
Most importantly I am sure that everything will be ok in the end,if not now then not far down the line. Sometimes it will be fine, sometimes it will be hell but I’m ready for that now, ten months ago I could never have dreamed I would have said that.
I’m also aware that we have been very lucky so far. There were no complications in labour, other than a small op for my partner, he is generally healthy and do far we have had the torment if colic etc. so far it has been a pretty text book example of a baby.
I said at the beginning of this blog that if I could help anyone else going through the same thing then I have achieved something. When I went through the roughest part of all this I knew no one could have given me the answers but it would have helped if I knew that someone else understood.
Likewise I don’t have the answers for anyone, I’m getting through it and I know what helped me but each situation, each person is different.
So, if you just need a sympathetic ear you can find me on Twitter. Maybe I can give you that ear that I searched for but couldn’t find so feel free to contact me.
As I say that brings us to now so I look forward to updating you with my trials and tribulations as we move on, I’m sure there will be plenty to write about!