For those who haven’t read all my posts, please allow me to recap slightly and give you a brief synopsis of the current situation.
I am the proud father of a 7 week old boy who’s arrival in the world had come after a shock pregnancy due to my partners mis-management of contraception. If this sounds harsh then please read the rest of my blog for clarity, it’s very difficult to summarise everything I have blogged about into just a few lines.
I love my boy very much and could not imagine him not being there but it has left me with a life I didn’t chose or want and feeling like I have very little control over what is going on around me.
Over the last few days the feeling of being trapped and isolated has grown stronger and stronger, to the point that I could see no other choice but to walk out from my partner. This isn’t what I wanted, it couldn’t be further from the outcome I desired, but there were massive cracks appearing in our relationship, cracks that had probably been there before his arrival that were now opening up even further. My first instinct would always be to sit down and calmly discuss things, but as we had had no time to ourselves in the last seven weeks this didn’t seem like a viable option either and as I made my way home from work the only course I could see was to walk.
Before I get any aggressive feedback please be aware that my intention was not to leave my child high and dry, but I needed to get out of this pressure cooker and could see no other way, no one I spoke to seemed to be able to give answers, I needed a break and I was getting desperate.
When I got home I felt sick, I knew I was going to do this and there was no turning back now, I had worked myself up on the journey home and knew it had to be done.
But then a minor miracle happened.
My partner could see something was wrong as soon as she looked at me when I walked through the door and as she enquired as to what it could be I broke down, I literally stood there and sobbed my heart out, all of the frustration poured out as I told her I wasn’t happy, that I was not enjoying any part of my life, and that I needed a break, needed to see a way out of this situation.
She had clearly seen this coming, she was calm and collected and told me she would get the little one asleep and we would talk things through and one way or another everything would be ok and we would sort this. I wasn’t going to have to walk out after all!
Then the miracle part, he went straight to sleep! This boy who hadn’t slept before 10pm since the day we bought him home was now tucked up in bed before 7.30 and was snoring. Bliss! It’s amazing how these things become massive events in your day when you are introduced to parenthood. This gave us just the time we needed.
We talked for hours, I explained how I was feeling and that I couldn’t say anything before because of the immense pressure to be a perfect father and partner for her. I explained that I needed a break from the cycle of work, baby, work, baby and that for my own sanity I needed to be me, which I hadn’t done for at least the last seven weeks, probably longer.
One lesson that I have taken from our situation is that communication is key and I thought that we had done pretty well up to now at doing just that but it seems we had had a major misunderstanding which had led us to this point.
You see, because I had thrown myself straight in at the deep end from day one she thought that I had wanted to do as much as I was doing and it was all part of me taking the most active role that I could, this was cemented by me keep telling tales of another guy I work with who seems to very little since his baby come into the world.
As we both aired our feelings we slowly put together a plan for the future and she told me it was ok to need time to myself, she had been grateful for me taking over at times and giving her space so she knew how important it was.
The relief was immense and as the night carried on we felt like a couple again, huddled up on the sofa, watching tv, talking and enjoying each others company. I felt like my life was on track again.
Shame things don’t always last.
Have to leave it there for now as I’m almost at work, but anyone who follows me on twitter would see I had a tough night last night so I do need to put those feelings down later.