As I mentioned on the end of my last post and through my Twitter feed I had a rough night a couple of days ago and I feel like we took a huge step backwards. It has left me feeling very disappointed after I thought we had made such progress when we last talked things through.
When I had mentioned to my partner how I was feeling she had suggested that I need to get out with a friend for a few drinks and let off steam. It just so happened that the works Christmas party was due and I knew that it would be an ideal time for me just to be me for one night, I always enjoy works parties and am very close to a lot of my colleagues so it was a perfect opportunity.
The party was before the weekend and all of the offices closed early to allow people time to get themselves all dolled up for the night, it was formal dress so I got my tux and black tie on and got ready for a good catch up with friends and of course, a drink or two!
I felt like me again and so much more positive as the whole company sat down to eat, I chatted with people I hadn’t seen for a while, trying very hard not to be a baby bore. Inevitably the baby came into a lot of the conversations but I think I managed to strike the right balance and no one seemed to glaze over and fall asleep and I didn’t want it to be the only thing on my mind either.
The night was going swingingly and I felt more relaxed and normal than I had for the last few months.
Then my phone vibrates. Text message.
It’s my partner enquiring what time I was likely to be home. Now this would not normally be unusual, before the baby had been here she would have collected me from the station, so checking times would just mean she was planning her night, but this wasn’t the case as I had made all my transport arrangements. I asked if everything was ok and she replied that she was but just curious when I would be back, I wasn’t convinced.
My instincts were right, half an hour later I got a text message saying that the baby was playing up and she didn’t know what to do.
That’s where my night ended.
As I was going home on my own rather than my planned companions it took me an hour and half to walk and get the train home, that’s a long time to be left alone with your thoughts, especially in the bitter cold. All of the worry, the isolation and desperation came back. I admit I was fuming at the time and that’s why I left it a couple of days before posting anything so I could calm down.
I know that she wouldn’t have said anything unless she felt it totally necessary but it was so close to our last discussion I just felt like we had failed in what we wanted to do and my optimism that I previously had was now fading again.
When I got home, she was in tears, as I expected, she had been trying to put him down for 4 hours and the longest he had slept for was two minutes at a time.
I got her away from the baby first and then went to him. It seems that he just had more trapped wind than she had been able to disperse, I moved him about, patted him, circled his legs, and eventually, after 20 minutes he went asleep and stayed there for the next few hours. She went straight to sleep as she was exhausted and I laid next to her annoyed, frustrated but more than anything confused.
What had gone so wrong so quickly after our chat?
I want to say that I did feel for my partner, she was clearly distressed and I understand why she needed to get me home but she had dealt with a lot worse in the past and on those occasions almost pushed me away for her to deal with it.
Was it just the fact that I wasn’t there? Is it easier to deal with things knowing that she can call on me when she needs to.
It has also gone through my head that she just didn’t want me to have a good time but I’m sure that’s just paranoia setting in.
But whatever the reason, less than 48 hours after I had explained how I was feeling I am still in the same situation. I am supposed to be at another work function next week and am now apprehensive and am considering cancelling but I know if I do that I will become more resentful that I am stuck indoors again.
I will just have to see how it goes, people keep telling me it gets easier and I do hope they are right as so far it’s getting more and more difficult every day.