It has been suggested by a few of my family and friends that I am clearly having a much harder time of fatherhood than they expected, again I wonder if they ever listened to a word I said, and maybe it is time to get some professional help.
It has also been pointed out to me that men also suffer from post natal depression and after researching it it seems that is true and the stats are quite high with one in ten men suffering as a result of a new born entering their life.
I’m only presuming that as I am in the minority of people that didn’t want kids in their life that a lot of these PND sufferers chose the life, they wanted to bring babies into their life and are still finding it difficult! So, as I didn’t chose it, then it stands to reason that I am even more likely to get it, doesn’t it?
I have bowed to peer pressure, something I seem to be doing a lot of recently, and have booked an appointment to see my doctor, I am sure I will let you know how this goes in another post, but, for now I wanted to get my thoughts and feelings out on why I am sceptical of the outcome of the doctors visit and any subsequent medication or counselling that he prescribes.
I do believe we live in a society that too readily labels mental health issues and depression can be heard so much more frequently than I had ever noticed before. It seems that you only have to step foot into a doctors surgery, tell him you are a bit low and bang, you are diagnosed as depressed. Before I get lynched I am not saying that depression doesn’t exist, if you have suffered from it then I feel for you, you have my upmost sympathy because from what I have read on the subject it is a living hell and I would never want to go through this. It does worry me that when so many people are diagnosed with anything that the genuine cases become diluted, almost as if it becomes the norm.
But isn’t there a difference between being depressed and just being unhappy?
From my previous posts you will know a few things about me by now:
A) I never wanted children but it had happened due to my partner not informing me of the full risk we were taking that night.
B) The decision to keep the child was made with very little input from me.
C) Since the baby was born I have only worked or helped with the baby except for one night which ended in disaster, so I am more tired than I have ever been.
The biggest factor here is that I have no control over any of it anymore. I have no control that I now have only one salary in the house and have to provide everything for my partner as well as my baby whilst she is at home or visiting friends and family. I have no control over the sleep I get or when it happens. I have no control over the amount of times the two families give us advice on what we are doing right or wrong or how jealous they get over the time they both spend with our new arrival.
I only have two options, I can stay with my partner and bring up our little boy to the best of my ability, this isn’t the life I wanted and I’m finding it hard to adjust, that was to be expected, but I do resent the fact that everything was changed without my knowledge so of course I’m going to get a bit upset when I have a screaming child when trying to get round the supermarket or trying to get him to sleep at night, or he is kicking off when I’m trying to talk to a cashier about a new account in the bank.
My second option is that I leave, walk away, but is that really an option? No, of course it’s not. If I do that then I am no longer with the woman I love, I don’t get to see my boy grow up, my family would probably disown me plus I would have no where to live! Not much of an option. It’s these lack of options that start the frustration.
I know I am ranting here and I apologise, I just want to get down in writing what goes through my head each day and why I do find it so hard.
People tell me daily it will get better, I am sure they are right, in fact i know they are, but I also know it will take time and just as one issue is sorted it there will be another and all of these issues are exactly why I chose not have have kids in the first place and therefore I get resentful for them.
So in summary, yes I am feeling down, yes I find it hard to adjust that my life was changed so drastically by someone else’s action but isn’t that to be expected? If someone changed your life so drastically when you had no knowledge of what they were doing wouldn’t it take a little bit of time for you to adjust? Wouldn’t you be a little angry and need space to sort things out in your head? I know that we have to work on getting out, spending time together and getting a break from time to time but that’s not as easy as it sounds as my previous posts show.
What I do know is that I love my boy so much, he is hard work but we are already seeing the rewards and this is where the confusion sets in, I love him so much but don’t, at the moment, love the life that comes with him, however I do know that it will get better and we are making plans to do that.
So am I depressed or just pissed off with the situation and need time to adjust? I would have thought that if I was depressed I wouldn’t have been able to see my way out of this but hey, what do I know? Let’s see what the doctor says! Will keep you informed!