Going backward?

Over the last few weeks things have really been looking up for me and my new family. The visits to my doctor had suggested that there was nothing wrong with me, just exhausted as I had thought myself, and this led to my partner and I trying to plan a schedule that suited firstly the baby, and then the two of us. We both then found a bit more of a routine and everything has been going well, or so I thought!

Yesterday was the first time I had been left completely on my own with my son whilst his Mum went out for an exercise class. Although I had done this when he was a couple of weeks old, I don’t feel that really counts as he didn’t stir the whole time my partner was out!

This time we were going to need full-time attention! This is a little boy who only sleeps for half an hour at a time so I knew that if she was going to be out for 3 hours or more than sleeping through it would be wishful thinking, no new-born perks for me this time! We could be talking feeds, nappy changes and naps all in one compacted time period.

I don’t know why I get so nervous when I am left on my own with him, I do a bit of everything when she is here so it’s not like I don’t know what I am doing, but its different when she is not, there is no-one to gently remind me when I miss something or can just give me an extra hand and pass me those things that are just out of reach. But my partner spends almost 24 hours a day with him and there is no doubt she knows him better, she knows the cries better than me, she can foresee whether a feed or nap is going to be needed and generally understands his routine better as she is the one that implemented it. I suppose I just need a bit of validation that I am doing things correctly and that I am not unwinding the hard work that Mum has put in so far.

But I kept my calm and approached it with military precision, I know it was only going to be a few hours but it was so important to me, not just for me to feel better but to give my partner some confidence that she could go off and relax whilst I held the fort.

And it went well, very well, no drama whatsoever!

So why do I feel the way that I do now? See, this is the thing, a few hours after all of this success I should have been on a high, but I wasn’t, quite the opposite, I’m still not and no matter how much I rack my brains I can’t work it out. This didn’t happen straight away but as the day drew on I went into a slump.

Now many people would look at this and wonder what is so odd, most people get down from time to time and often with no apparent reason, it’s just one of those days! But you see, I don’t, well at least I didn’t, not without a good reason and as far as I can see I have no explanation for this.

I have always been a logical person, I have a very straight forward, calm thought-out approach to everything I do and this is the same with my life in general. I am not saying that I don’t get down, of course I do, you will know that if you had read any of my blog. Many things will set me off such as bad days at work, arguments with my partner through to more serious issues like losing a family member. But I have never known a time when I feel down and have NOT known why.

I also want to point out that this isn’t a massive low, I am still cheery to people, I am laughing, joking and generally getting on with life but just feel like something’s not right. The easiest way I have been able to describe it is that it’s like that feeling that you get at the end of a great holiday when you realise that it’s finished and you are going back to normality, it’s that feeling of anticlimax, a feeling of being thoroughly fed up.

So, if it’s not that bad why am I even worried, it will surely pass.

But the main reason it’s bothering me is it has got me wondering if it’s because I spent the whole day with my boy? When I really think about it I don’t see much of him now we are in a routine and I have to work. I wonder if I am not dealing with it quite as well as I think? Or is it that I have had such a rough time in weeks gone by that now every negative feeling will make me paranoid that I’m slipping back.

Whichever it is, I am having trouble shaking it and I don’t like it.


7 thoughts on “Going backward?

  1. This may be totally off the wall, but after reading your comments, have you considered that being in a totally committed relationship, i.e., being a DAD, is what has you going through such a myriad of unknown emotional responses? The reason I mention it has to do with how many times you refer to your ‘partner’ rather than your spouse. Like I said, maybe totally off the wall. Wishing you the very best–including the totally enjoyment of fatherhood—Barb

    • Barb, thanks for taking the time out to read it. I have had trouble coming to terms with being a dad, which was the whole reason I started this blog, but it had knocked me sideways that I don’t know what had set me off when we are doing so well. The only reason I don’t use the word ‘spouse’ is because we are not married and unless I am wring that implies we are. I use the word ‘partner’ as, to me at least, is a more permanent phrase than just ‘girlfriend’

  2. Hey! I might be totally wrong but my personal opinion on this matter is not that your going backwards at all or even that it has anything to do with your beautiful little baby. Have you considered that its just that time of year where things/life feels a bit crappy. By the sounds of it you’ve had a lovely and eventful Christmas and new year with lots of visitors, and fun times! Now your back to work and the weather is crap and its dark early and the mundane routine of life has once again truly kicked in. I always feel a bit crappy around this time of year and I think from what your saying your worried because the last time you felt fed up it was centred around not wanting to become a father and your concerned that your going to feel like that again but I really don’t think that’s the case. Maybe if you had something to look forward to and plan and give yourself something else to think about like a mini break with your partner or a night out together with friends or something you enjoy it might help lift your mood. Like I said I may be wrong but give yourself a chance before jumping to the wrong conclusions and blaming your mood on the wrong thing. I hope you feel better soon! Good luck! 😊

    • Thank you for your feedback, you make some really good points. You may be right about needing something to look forward to and funnily enough we have been sorting out a break tonight. Just so unusual for me not know what’s bothering me and also for it to come on like it did, one minute I was fine, next minute I went low

  3. Hey, wish I could tell you what it was unsettling you, but if I could do that, I’d probably be a lot richer than I am now! 🙂
    However, can I perhaps chuck something out there? (Am going to anyway!)
    You have been honest about your reluctance to becoming dad from word dot. About you’re being in a long term committed and loving relationship with your ‘partner’ which children just didn’t feature in. You had resounded yourself to a life with no children which is why you were so reluctant on finding out you were becoming a daddy.
    And now, here you are, alone with this little man. And it all goes perfectly and smoothly and quite frankly, you’re a natural at this daddy lark. And sounds as though you actually really enjoyed your time with him. Loads.

    My guess is Reluctant Daddio isn’t so reluctant anymore.
    But this goes against everything you’ve probably ever known or felt!! That’s scary. Unnerving. Unsettling. It’s as though the person you once were, isn’t there any more. He is though. He’s just discovering that perhaps this “having a baby” stuff isn’t quite so bad, or even, shock horror, that you really REALLY quite like it.

    And perhaps the “holiday blues” feeling you are having is where you really did enjoy your time with wee man and wished it could have lasted longer. Or maybe you’d like a lot more quality time like that with him. Just the two of you. Hence feeling like “going back to normal” once mum got home, or when you have to go to work and don’t have that quality ‘one on one’ time.

    I may be hugely off track, in which case, just ignore me (most people do!) but perhaps you should schedule in some more daddy/son bonding sessions on your days off as something to look forward to and perk you up when working long hours (and I am pretty darn certain mum will not begrudge having a couple of hours off for some “pampering” time!!!)

    Whatever is causing the uncertainty, I hope it passes soon. But you may need to consider changing your blog now to ‘Not So Reluctant Daddio’ 😉

  4. I think I see some of the “have to do it perfect just like she taught me or how it has been set up for the baby?” You can each be successful and yet have your own style and way of doing things… Kids will be just fine. I read an undertone of you trying to be a perfect dad! Well your not and no one is a perfect parent. I fact kids are quite forgiving of imperfection…. It’s the teenagers that are not so much. I also sence you are actually losing some identity in the process because you are doing it how you were told to. There is more that one way to wash dishes, clean a house and raise a child. As long as the principles are taught and the kid doesn’t suffer and the job gets done in the end it really doesn’t matter. Find your parenting style and relax and just be a daddy! He will love you for the time you spend not how perfect you do things for him…. However I may be way off base… Just something in what you were writing that jumped out…
    Don’t get discouraged… Parenting has ups and downs. 🙂 just wait he soon will say “dada” or “Dara’s home” and put both arm in the air waiting for you to pick him up.

    • Thank you as always for your feedback, I always look forward to your comments. I cannot say whether your stance, or anyone’s, is right or wrong in this case, or a mixture of all of them is true, as I can’t put my finger on the root cause and this is the bit that has confused and concerned me as its so unlike me. Maybe becoming a father has changed me in ways I just don’t understand yet.

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