Over the last few weeks things have really been looking up for me and my new family. The visits to my doctor had suggested that there was nothing wrong with me, just exhausted as I had thought myself, and this led to my partner and I trying to plan a schedule that suited firstly the baby, and then the two of us. We both then found a bit more of a routine and everything has been going well, or so I thought!
Yesterday was the first time I had been left completely on my own with my son whilst his Mum went out for an exercise class. Although I had done this when he was a couple of weeks old, I don’t feel that really counts as he didn’t stir the whole time my partner was out!
This time we were going to need full-time attention! This is a little boy who only sleeps for half an hour at a time so I knew that if she was going to be out for 3 hours or more than sleeping through it would be wishful thinking, no new-born perks for me this time! We could be talking feeds, nappy changes and naps all in one compacted time period.
I don’t know why I get so nervous when I am left on my own with him, I do a bit of everything when she is here so it’s not like I don’t know what I am doing, but its different when she is not, there is no-one to gently remind me when I miss something or can just give me an extra hand and pass me those things that are just out of reach. But my partner spends almost 24 hours a day with him and there is no doubt she knows him better, she knows the cries better than me, she can foresee whether a feed or nap is going to be needed and generally understands his routine better as she is the one that implemented it. I suppose I just need a bit of validation that I am doing things correctly and that I am not unwinding the hard work that Mum has put in so far.
But I kept my calm and approached it with military precision, I know it was only going to be a few hours but it was so important to me, not just for me to feel better but to give my partner some confidence that she could go off and relax whilst I held the fort.
And it went well, very well, no drama whatsoever!
So why do I feel the way that I do now? See, this is the thing, a few hours after all of this success I should have been on a high, but I wasn’t, quite the opposite, I’m still not and no matter how much I rack my brains I can’t work it out. This didn’t happen straight away but as the day drew on I went into a slump.
Now many people would look at this and wonder what is so odd, most people get down from time to time and often with no apparent reason, it’s just one of those days! But you see, I don’t, well at least I didn’t, not without a good reason and as far as I can see I have no explanation for this.
I have always been a logical person, I have a very straight forward, calm thought-out approach to everything I do and this is the same with my life in general. I am not saying that I don’t get down, of course I do, you will know that if you had read any of my blog. Many things will set me off such as bad days at work, arguments with my partner through to more serious issues like losing a family member. But I have never known a time when I feel down and have NOT known why.
I also want to point out that this isn’t a massive low, I am still cheery to people, I am laughing, joking and generally getting on with life but just feel like something’s not right. The easiest way I have been able to describe it is that it’s like that feeling that you get at the end of a great holiday when you realise that it’s finished and you are going back to normality, it’s that feeling of anticlimax, a feeling of being thoroughly fed up.
So, if it’s not that bad why am I even worried, it will surely pass.
But the main reason it’s bothering me is it has got me wondering if it’s because I spent the whole day with my boy? When I really think about it I don’t see much of him now we are in a routine and I have to work. I wonder if I am not dealing with it quite as well as I think? Or is it that I have had such a rough time in weeks gone by that now every negative feeling will make me paranoid that I’m slipping back.
Whichever it is, I am having trouble shaking it and I don’t like it.