My little boy had his jabs yesterday, the second ones that are due at 14 weeks, and we were warned that this could cause some disruption to his day, and ours, as his temperature could raise and he could feel poorly. Effectively we were told to brace ourselves.
They weren’t wrong!
I will explain a little bit more about what happened in a moment as this post is not about this in itself, it’s about the emotions it stirred up in me and the constant confusion that I keep feeling.
Even as I am writing this I am finding it hard to choose the words that I want to use as I am not one hundred percent sure what I am trying to say but bare with me. Usually, when I write these posts, the words tumble out and then I just check it for grammar, spelling, make sure it makes sense and publish! Simple really, but then that’s because in the past I have felt that I was ready to explode before I put my thoughts down. But this isn’t the case now. I am generally content with how things are going, I certainly smile a whole lot more than I did 14 weeks ago but then there are these moments of conflict that keep coming and Ithis is what has bought me to sit at the keyboard and try and make some sense of what is going on in my mind.
OK, lets see if I can actually write something that makes sense because I am being to confuse myself even more!
My LO is now 14 weeks old and if you have been following my blog you will know that there is a massive difference between the guy that first sat down and spilled his desperate thoughts onto a post and the person you are listening to now. Generally I have been using Twitter to update on the nice things, the smiles and the cuddles, not the screams and the grizzles, because I have started seeing the up side of father hood, I see excitement in my boys eyes when he sees something new, the wonderment of just looking at his hand and all the other little things that I now know you would never notice until becoming a parent yourself. Things that are clearly of no importance to anyone else but you and your new-found family!
I can also say we have been lucky, extremely lucky, our boy is happy and healthy, the poor sod looks a lot like his Dad but he is oblivious to this and this age and can’t be causing him any self-esteem issues yet! We have had colds in the early days which led to bronchilitis and albeit this was stressful and heartbreaking for us to see I also know that its is a small blip in the scale of problems we could have had. I should be counting my lucky stars that we have been this fortunate.
My partner got our boy into a routine very early which meant we got our evenings back very early on in his life and it gave us back a bit of our normality that we lost when he arrived.
But, and this is me being honest, there are still bits of the old feelings there, there is still resentment for the situation that I am in. It’s not all-consuming like it was, but it’s there, nagging away at me and this is why I feel the need to write this, to get the feelings out.
Some people may read this and think its only been 14 weeks, not a long time I admit, so why should I be expecting to feel any different, surely it’s just great that there has been such an improvement. To you, I say you are right, for any emotions there is a process you go through to deal with them but something changed, something was added to the mix that really threw a spanner in the works, I love him, I love him more than I thought I could ever.
I know it’s not the first time I have declared such feelings, I mentioned in an earlier post that I love him but didn’t love the life that he came with but with hindsight I am not sure I did. I’m not saying I lied, I genuinely felt something, but it was nothing like this and this is what has caused the conflict.
How can I love him so much, how can I look forward to seeing him smile every morning and yet still get so frustrated when I spend a more than a few hours with him? Why do I not look forward to having my days off work as I know it’s going to be a whole day of feeds, naps, nappy changes and attention? Yet I honestly would lay down my life for him now. It doesn’t make sense.
It was the drama of last night that really made me think about my feelings and made me appreciate exactly how strong the bond I have with him is now. I got a text message from my partner saying that she couldn’t settle him and that the jabs had clearly affected him. There was no panic or hysteria in her words but, knowing her as I do, I could tell she was having a rough time so I made my excuses with work and came home early to give some emotional support and take over for a while to give her a break.
As I walked in the door the screams were blood curdling and quite took me aback, I had expected tears but nothing like this. My partner was more calm than I had expected but clearly worried and she run through everything that she had tried. I took over, hoping that just a change of person would distract him as it usually does but it didn’t. Nothing would work. She explained that she had given him Calpol and we were just praying it would kick in and work quickly.
I have never seen him so worked up, his face was covered in tears, his eyes were red raw from rubbing them, he clearly needed sleep but nothing was going to subdue him. I eventually took him back downstairs, held him close to me, gently whispered in his ear, rocked him back and forth on the nursing chair and slowly but surely he slept, still sobbing whilst he did, but he did. It only last half an hour but it was enough to calm him and we got back to his routine and he slept peacefully back in his cot only waking for the usual feeds.
As for me? I couldn’t sleep until the early hours and at one point sat downstairs and sobbed myself. I had never prepared myself for the pain of seeing your child suffer, even if its minor and expected, and it scared me! How will I ever cope if something more serious
So why do I still have so many issues? When does it all become normality?
I know the progress in 14 weeks has been phenomenal and I just hope this continues and I will look back at this in another 14 weeks and wonder what I was worried about.