Conflicting emotions

My little boy had his jabs yesterday, the second ones that are due at 14 weeks, and we were warned that this could cause some disruption to his day, and ours, as his temperature could raise and he could feel poorly. Effectively we were told to brace ourselves.

They weren’t wrong!

I will explain a little bit more about what happened in a moment as this post is not about this in itself, it’s about the emotions it stirred up in me and the constant confusion that I keep feeling.

Even as I am writing this I am finding it hard to choose the words that I want to use as I am not one hundred percent sure what I am trying to say but bare with me.  Usually, when I write these posts, the words tumble out and then I just check it for grammar, spelling, make sure it makes sense and publish! Simple really, but then that’s because in the past I have felt that I was ready to explode before I put my thoughts down. But this isn’t the case now. I am generally content with how things are going, I certainly smile a whole lot more than I did 14 weeks ago but then there are these moments of conflict that keep coming and Ithis is what has bought me to sit at the keyboard and try and make some sense of what is going on in my mind.

OK, lets see if I can actually write something that makes sense because I am being to confuse myself even more!

My LO is now 14 weeks old and if you have been following my blog you will know that there is a massive difference between the guy that first sat down and spilled his desperate thoughts onto a post and the person you are listening to now. Generally I have been using Twitter to update on the nice things, the smiles and the cuddles, not the screams and the grizzles, because I have started seeing the up side of father hood,  I see excitement in my boys eyes when he sees something new, the wonderment of just looking at his hand and all the other little things that I now know you would never notice until becoming a parent yourself. Things that are clearly of no importance to anyone else but you and your new-found family!

I can also say we have been lucky, extremely lucky, our boy is happy and healthy, the poor sod looks a lot like his Dad but he is oblivious to this and this age and can’t be causing him any self-esteem issues yet! We have had colds in the early days which led to bronchilitis and albeit this was stressful and heartbreaking for us to see I also know that its is a small blip in the scale of problems we could have had. I should be counting my lucky stars that we have been this fortunate.

My partner got our boy into a routine very early which meant we got our evenings back very early on in his life and it gave us back a bit of our normality that we lost when he arrived.

But, and this is me being honest, there are still bits of the old feelings there, there is still resentment for the situation that I am in. It’s not all-consuming like it was, but it’s there, nagging away at me and this is why I feel the need to write this, to get the feelings out.

Some people may read this and think its only been 14 weeks, not a long time I admit, so why should I be expecting to feel any different, surely it’s just great that there has been such an improvement. To you, I say you are right, for any emotions there is a process you go through to deal with them but something changed, something was added to the mix that really threw a spanner in the works, I love him, I love him more than I thought I could ever.

I know it’s not the first time I have declared such feelings, I mentioned in an earlier post that I love him but didn’t love the life that he came with but with hindsight I am not sure I did. I’m not saying I lied, I genuinely felt something, but it was nothing like this and this is what has caused the conflict.

How can I love him so much, how can I look forward to seeing him smile every morning and yet still get so frustrated when I spend a more than a few hours with him? Why do I not look forward to having my days off work as I know it’s going to be a whole day of feeds, naps, nappy changes and attention? Yet I honestly would lay down my life for him now. It doesn’t make sense.

It was the drama of last night that really made me think about my feelings and made me appreciate exactly how strong the bond I have with him is now. I got a text message from my partner saying that she couldn’t settle him and that the jabs had clearly affected him. There was no panic or hysteria in her words but, knowing her as I do, I could tell she was having a rough time so I made my excuses with work and came home early to give some emotional support and take over for a while to give her a break.

As I walked in the door the screams were blood curdling and quite took me aback, I had expected tears but nothing like this. My partner was more calm than I had expected but clearly worried and she run through everything that she had tried. I took over, hoping that just a change of person would distract him as it usually does but it didn’t. Nothing would work. She explained that she had given him Calpol and we were just praying it would kick in and work quickly.

I have never seen him so worked up, his face was covered in tears, his eyes were red raw from rubbing them, he clearly needed sleep but nothing was going to subdue him. I eventually took him back downstairs, held him close to me, gently whispered in his ear, rocked him back and forth on the nursing chair and slowly but surely he slept, still sobbing whilst he did, but he did. It only last half an hour but it was enough to calm him and we got back to his routine and he slept peacefully back in his cot only waking for the usual feeds.

As for me? I couldn’t sleep until the early hours and at one point sat downstairs and sobbed myself. I had never prepared myself for the pain of seeing your child suffer, even if its minor and expected, and it scared me! How will I ever cope if something more serious

So why do I still have so many issues? When does it all become normality?

I know the progress in 14 weeks has been phenomenal and I just hope this continues and I will look back at this in another 14 weeks and wonder what I was worried about. 




12 thoughts on “Conflicting emotions

  1. You know what? You sound like a fucking brilliant dad, even when all of the confusion and the heartaches rock you. And your honesty is brilliant and refreshing. I bloody love your blog! It’s as if you say all the things I feel.

    If it helps, to me parenting is like one fuck of a long rollercoaster where you can be soaring one minute and plummeting to earth the other. At best I’m permanently bedwildered. At worst I’m rocking back n forth under the table with my thumb in my mouth. And yes, I too have felt as you do now, that I would happily die for my child but if she asks me to play tea parties one more time I am going to kill her. I reckon I must feel that six times a day.

  2. When your precious little one is at thief lowest low… It really takes its toll on any parent. All kinds of things crop up in the kind. Mama bear syndrome when you just want to fight whatever is causing your child so much pain, then there is the “why me? Why my baby?”, the frustration and anger also is there, I used to hate the pain and ache for my kids. Now I realize when I feel that I’m glad I’m alive. Take a (huge) deep breath and jump in and support them however I can. It makes the bond with them even stronger and they realize they can trust you in their worse moments. I LOVE it that you were able to calm your little one in such a short time. He will learn to go to you when he is really struggling because you were there for him when he needed help. It may not now but it will give you a boost to your confidence and ego to know your baby trusts you to let go and calm down. I know for me when it worked it gave me a rush! A total mixed rush of feelings. But that’s what makes me know I’m alive and not just muddling through life. Sometimes it can knock you off your feet and make you jump back. It was hard for me to support myself single. Then I got married 3 kids later and a cop out husband and I find myself a single mom trying to support myself on same income amount 20 years ago now with 3 kids added. That part really burns! But all the moments that ate sweet and filled with so much laughter just make it almost disappear. Just above neutralizing the burn is the low points and then the grand things I don’t even think about. Only when something huge comes up and I don’t have the means to fix it then I get frustrated and feel the burn… Anger, frustration, and second guessing all my decisions, and heart break. The latter one is always there because I still love my ex even though he flaunts his girlfriend at me and has put me through all of this mess and has no part in our life. I wish so badly I could end my love for him. Now it more complicates because when in look at our 3 kids I see him. At times I don’t feel there is room in my heart for someone else. I have serious trust issues now. So now I doubt any guy would look at me let alone want all the baggage is have…
    Yes I love my kids… But there are a ton of conflicting emotions that will grab you.
    Live for the good times and live for the bad times when you can step in and restore peace and comfort to your family… It will get you through!!!
    As troubled as you feel? It just might be replaces with an all new feeling real soon… Contentment and pride and confedence in your newfound ability to calm such a storm.

    • I always feel very humbled when you comment, firstly because you take the time to give me your feedback and secondly because you have so much going on yourself and you still find that time. Thank you for your comments yet again, you truly are a special person even if you don’t know it!

  3. My oldest child is five, and I am pregnant with my third…one and three were unexpected. Expected or not. I think children are meant to kick the crap out of you, and teach you the good, bad, and ugly about yourself in a way nothing else can, so you grow. I don’t think it ever becomes normal; one moment you can experience such an overwhelming love for a person, and the next, if they were anyone else you’d kick them in the teeth. I think that’s just the way it is. Whenever we commit to a course in life, there are a lot of other paths that are inherently eliminated; I think we grieve those, but I don’t think that always equals regret. You can struggle, and still be a great dad…it’s the people who don’t worry about it that are disturbing.

  4. I absolutely love your honesty. You know what? It’s OK for it to have taken time to feel that genuine, all consuming love. A little known fact is that some parents (sometimes mums, sometimes dads, sometimes both) DO struggle to bond, I know several who have admitted in private. Also, the range of emotions you experience as a parent are quite unlike any other rollercoaster of emotions that I have ever been on. Quite frankly I question how I am still here at times!

    The journey you have been on is just wonderful though.

  5. Fret not lovely, we all have days like that. My eldest is 13 now and the babies are 1 and 2. Sometimes I still find it hard. Just when I had got back some independence and a bit of a life for myself these little time thieves arrived. I love them to bits and appreciate this stage so much more but when they are being a pain I still have a momentary gaze at the greener grass…. I think my husband feels the same. He was 20 when we had Chaos and was plunged into further turmoil at the arrival of Squish. He loves them immensly but still finds them hard work. Keep smiling and sleeping, you’re doing grand :o) x

  6. Oh, here we go. Guess I had to log in. Hahaha!

    Seeing your child in pain is the worst, especially when you don’t know what to do. He’s only 14 months and so new to this world. He experiencing things for the very first time. Just a bit of gas will cause an outpouring of emotions.

    You gotta hold him close and do the absolute best you can. As parents there are never any answers. You just try things and see what happens.

  7. Hi Came across your blog on twitter. I really enjoyed reading a dads perspective as im sure that is how my other half feels a lot! We now have 3 aged 3, 2 and 2 months. I feel like this a lot i think its normal. How lovely that you came home from work to help, im sure your wife was very thankful as it can be hard to keep your calm for a long time. I have to say my eldest is nearly 4 and so much easier however is a stroppy madam at times but if shes poorly i worry just as much as when she was a baby! can’t help it! Looking forward to reading your blog!

  8. Wow wee love it! Its darn hard being a parent. Does it makes you look at your own parents in a completely different light and wonder how on earth did they manage to have not only 1 of you but mine had 3! I don’t think it does get any easier… :0)

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