It’s been over a month since I put my fingers on the keyboard to write my last blog, actually it feels like a lot longer but that’s what WordPress says so I am not going to argue.
I’m sure that for most bloggers, this would be some sort of cardinal sin, the sort of thing you just don’t dream of doing as you will lose the interest of your readership and it’s just not the done thing. But I am slightly different in my views because I didn’t start the blog for followers, although I am grateful to anyone who takes the time out to read my ramblings, I did it for the therapeutic side, the side that allows me to put my thoughts down and make some sense of them and I only really feel the need to do this when things are bad, at the darkest moments of parenting when I can’t see a way out!
I havent felt like that for a while, quite the opposite you will be pleased to hear, I am actually enjoying my new family, enjoying watching him grow, watching his personality develop in front of my eyes and enjoying the firsts that I get the opportunity to see, the first smiles and the first giggles are ones that particularly melted my heart, let me tell you.
So when things are going well I don’t really have the time to blog, I am too busy trying to get every moment in as I don’t get to see much of him. I am not an absent father but sometimes feel like one as my work hours really do not fit in with having a child and so when I do get some time with him I will take every chance to enjoy it.
So why am I blogging now? Is something wrong? No, it’s all ok, I promise!
One of the bi-products that I got from my blog and twitter account was the chance to speak to people from all over the world about their different parenting situations, some happy, some downright desperate, but the one thing that they all had in common was that these people were trying to make the best of their individual situations and bring their kids up in the best way they knew how. Whilst I am on that point I just want to say this, every single one of you parents are amazing! I don’t mean the ones that walk out, the abusers or those who neglect, I mean the ones that no matter how tired, no matter how down and low, no matter how stressed they are will pick themself up and do anything for their child. When I found things hard at first I thought I was failing my boy and was not fit to be a parent even if I had planned to be. I now know, through the conversations that I have had with you guys that I feel very much like each and every one of you do at some point and its ok to cry and let it all out from time to time.
I was also honoured to be someone who a few of you have turned to, with similar situations to mine, as well as completely different scenarios, who also wasnt expecting to be a parent and was finding it hard and it is those people who I write this blog for now, to update them on how I’m coping I didn’t want to just wander off into the darkness leaving people wondering how things have turned out so far.
As we speak my little bundle of joy is 20 weeks old. Feels like a LOT longer but that’s all it is! I have to say we have been lucky, he is a lovely baby. So far we have avoided any issues like colic etc. and he is a happy healthy baby so it has been pretty drama free. The only real issue that we ever have is that he has trouble getting himself to sleep, once he is asleep he is ok but, until the last few days, he couldn’t go back to sleep when he woke but this is improving. But hey, in the grand scheme of things, if our only problem is rocking him to sleep then I count my blessings.
My partner doesn’t read my blog, if she did she would probably scoff at my last statement so I do want to recognise that the main reason things have been so much easier for me is her. She has taken to motherhood like a duck to water and I hope I tell her enough that she is fantastic and that I really appreciate what she does.
Not everything is rosy I have to point out in case this is all looking too idyllic, I still find myself dreaming of my old life, I still get annoyed that I seem to have little time to do anything and at the moment the biggest issue we face is our own relationship and how little time we spend together but I am sure this will also sort itself out. See, he will NOT take a bottle so my partner is pretty much tied to him with breastfeeding and over the last few weeks he has regressed to wanting to feed every three hours, so another night out is not in the immediate plans, however, hopefully it will not be long before we start introducing some solids into his diet and that will help. We have also been experimenting today with sippy cups and have had some success, so there is a glint of light at the end of the tunnel that my partner and I will be free to enjoy ourself on our own very soon and can get back to being a couple, not just Mum and Dad.
I am very aware that not everyone situation is the same as mine and in comparison, I have had it easy to some. We are lucky that we had good jobs so money hasn’t been an issue so far, not that we are rich or anything like that, but we can get by and this takes one issue out of the equation but I know many people can’t say the same and this just makes things even harder.
I havent written this blog to say “look at me, it’s all great, just keep going and it will be fine!” I can’t say that because I don’t know that. I don’t really know whats around the corner in my life let alone someone elses!
But if there is one thing that this has taught me, this whole emotional rollercoaster, it has made me realise that you will never know what tomorrow brings and therefore you shouldn’t worry about it. Concentrate on just getting through the day you are in now, and learn everything you can from it, because tomorrow may as well be a different life altogether.
When I was at my lowest I could never see things getting better, regardless of how many people told me they would, and they did! I could never imagining enjoying spending time with my son whilst his Mother is out but I do! I could never imagine getting used to by previously immaculate home being full of baby artifacts but I have!
So my point is this, don’t try to second guess what is going to happen because it will rarely turn out the way you imagined. I can’t tell you it will be fantastic, it may be, or it may be bad, but I can say it is likely that your deepest pessimistic thoughts will be worse that what the reality really is, I know mine were.